Seriously .. You want to know what I think... I think about u every night, I think about falling asleep beside you I think about being in your bed asleep before you get home I think about staying asleep in your bed when you get up for work I think about staying sober ((!!!!!) to pick u up from a night
Wit the Boys I think about the way your hand runs
Across my stomach an I get that tingly feeling I dint get
With anyone else.. I think about the way i get along with your brother, I think about the way your smile makes me melt I love the way you look at
Me naked.
I want
To spend every fucking minute
Of the day with you. I've never wanted that with anything before. I need something to pull me away from my tragic ending

Sent from my iPhone

Pretty

Sometimes I spend too much time worrying if I look pretty and not enough time letting loose
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Ashes!!!

so the ashes were in adeladie over the weekend... and whilst it would seem the aussies have forgotten how to play cricket who could resist an afternoon being entertained by sov and boochy on the hill! they were in fine form and even the rain didnt stop us!

Am I really!!!!

Wow

The sun sets after a storm...

This club its called heaven

But it feels like hell

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One night stand

Hey so if I had your number I'd see if you wanted to come over for some fun...

I bet you think I want a boyfriend (and your house and dog) but trust me. Far from it...

For crissake u still had pictures of ur ex up.... So do ;)

Call me sexy!

Sent from my iPhone

Lazy days

So Monday I wasn't feeling the greatest at work, really need to find a new doctor to fix this shit!

Ended up relaxing the pain away in the sun with the last person I expected to be there with.

It was nice.

Don't worry, not falling for you again but it was nice to be around you and for you to treat me like a human being.

Sent from my iPhone

Dublin

In 12 weeks I get to see my best friend.

Soooo excited

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:)

how is it you still take my breath away every time i see you


i want to get you out of my mind, but i dont want to all at the same time.

Spontaneous

If you plan to be spontaneous is it still spontaneous ?

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Closing Doors Part One

. I am almost there... almost. I thought it was over. I thought it was all closed. but It didnt feel final or right...

now to say the rest of my goodbyes..

Territory sunset

Lost.

Very lost.

And so sick of flying .

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The stuff and things

You know, I'm
On a flight to Darwin and I'm just rereading your messages and I feel so horribly guilty. I don't know how exactly to describe how I feel right now but numb and empty comes to mind. There's no feelings at all in there, about anything. I didn't even get that excited feeling I usually get when I was in Brisbane last week and saw all my friends. My favorite songs can't pick me up and my favorite books don't hold my attention. Chocolate doesnt help an neither does alcohol. I just want to disappear and sleep for a week. My work is so stressful at the moment I think it's messed with my emotions. It's the bad timing thing again but maybe that's a sign. I don't want it to be because that means those good feelings I uses to get around you will never ever come back. And I don't want to give in just to keep you as a friend when you want something more. I feel let down and I'm sure you do too. I've never understood angry You and that's the person that pushes me away further in these situations and stops me for forgiving and forgetting when i need to. I'm a messed up girl and not worthy ofAnyones time. I don't do the gushy love stuff and I'm too self involved to let anyone in unless
I'm feeling extremely vulnerable. You wanted to know whats on my mind well there it is.. Right there.. It doesn't make sense an it's not in sequential order but that's just how i work.. Maybe I'll press send when I land in Darwin, maybe I won't

Life

Sometimes it takes someone to walk out of your life for someone better to walk in...

Sent from my iPhone

Clarity v2

I was thinking about my brother again before and clarity came on. Gosh this song moves me, it makes me want to change the world. It makes me want to be sober maybe.

I wonder sometimes if my brother thinks about wanting to be someone else. Actually, I'm pretty sure he does. All the crap he's had to go through an still goes through, really should
Make
My troubles seems so insignificant. I'm meant to be the good child, the lucky one, the one who pulled herself away from the drama. The survivor.

But sometimes I wish for his life. Call me crazy but it is surely not that bad. He is happy and he doesn't know what he wants. But do any of us? He doesnt stay in places that make him unhappy.
I wouldn't have the courage ( though some call it stupidity ) to make my
Mind up that quickly about something, even though eventually my gut feeling comes true.

Sometimes I want to change myself. I want a nose job and fake boobs. Maybe then I'd feel like the confident girl I want to be. But then would I feel like me? Would people be liking me because I had a fake beauty?

Its 4 sleeps till I see you and I know your not excited. I know you want to see me, only because I promised lingerie and a raunchy night in bed. But I want to mean more than that to you. I stared at my body in the mirror after my shower today and wondered what you think about me. I feel like I'm not good enough. I wish we could talk more.

I'd ask you about work, and what you did today. Are you working on anything new? Did you hear about that thing in the news? Did u watch that web vid? So amazing, style for miles. Have you heard from the boys? How's your mum? How's your bro? Done any more work on the truck? Is the chopper still kicking? Should we watch a movie? Can you believe what that guy at work said to me today? Does the weekend have to end? Can we just run away together? Do you dream about me in your sleep, like I do every night?

Sent from my iPhone

4 sleeps

I have to
Let go
Of
This
Feeling

Sent from my iPhone

You.

Sometimes, someone had to walk out of your life, for someone better to walk in..

Sent from my iPhone

carry you

When I know I'm all alone
I say your name slowly
and I know that I'm alone
But I carry You

Does it feel good like a memory
When you try some mystery
its a dream to call you own (its a dream to come around)
the world doesn't bend
because the taste doesn't taste the same again
It's easy feeling righteous when you're lone ( when we're alone)
All you'll get is what you want to hear
It hurts because it should
How else am I to make it clear

I could never be the one that you want
Don't ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed

Maybe a lie is what I need sometimes
You told the most, the best of anyone
You said to keep me in your pocket
So I carry you
You better choose your words carefully
Because I'm not your anything
Gonna stay here in my place, and you'll stay in yours
Because you're only good is what you're good for

I pace around the room to waste the time( I pace around the room the spin the time)
Waiting while the burning pictures fade
One thing to make (up) your mind
And I'm not going to say its name

I could never be the one that you want
Don't Ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed, it passed

I'm still carrying a little hope
that maybe things could be different now
Is that so wrong, is that so wrong, is that so wrong

Would I see you tonight at a place we go?
I wanna make things right, before time runs out.
Roll down the windows, let the cold air come in
Slap my face, just to feel you somehow again, yeah yeah yeah yeah

I could never be the one that you want
Don't Ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed

I could never be the one that you want
Dont Ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed, it passed,
Because it passed, it passed, it passed

Hope

I'd take you back if you were at the airport when I got home...

Sent from my iPhone

Ring ring

You just called... I'm not where I want to be. In more ways than the literal
Meaning
Sent from my iPhone

Mind traveller

God my imagination runs wild sometimes!! I wish I could control my thoughts. Actually scratch that. No idont because then life would be boring. My mind is like a movie reel playing over and over - so many memories, a lot of wishful thinking - day dreams of the perfect life.. But is there such a thing as the perfect life. I think not so much, I think in a strange way, everyones life is perfect. You can't expect everyone to ever agree on what's right.

I'm coming off the back of an amazing weekend and I don't wanna slow down!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Hi

Hey Emily ann Bailey.. Remember that time we were drinking in the park and you chased me and pushed me over, everyone laughed and I ended up with that massive bruise? And then you just left the country..Well I'm quite upset that you spilt my drink and I think you should replace it. Miss you jerk. <3

Sent from my iPhone

Day Ten: One confession.

I struggle to let myself get attached to anyone. They just leAve

Day nine: two emoticons that describe you right now

:)

8)

Sent from my iPhone

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. skinny jeans
2. broad shoulders
3. common sense

Day seven. Four turnoffs

1. Bad teeth
2. Body odour
3. Bad kisser
4. TRACKPANTS. Buy some jeans dammit

Sent from my iPhone

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1. Emily
2. Robbo
3. Mum
4. Jerry
5. Stujohn

Day five: 6 things you wish you'd never done...

1..
2...
3....
4.....
5....
6.....

Yup I'm glad I've done everything I've done

Sent from my iPhone

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. I think a lot about finding something to hold my attention
2. That i'm not pretty enough?
3. That i dont know what to say in certain situations,or around some people so its easier to be silent, and i wish i knew how to overcome that?
4. What sort of job would I have had if i finished uni?
5. Where would my life be if i stayed in Cairns?
6. Can i keep this up forever?
7. I'm hungry.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Peanut Butter Chocolate Icecream from Baskin Robbins
2. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
3. Hot Vintage American Cars (eg. 57 Chevy Belair)
4. Skinny Jeans
5. BMX
6. A chilled bottle of Alicante on a hot summers day
7. White sand beach, crystal clear warm water
8. Be yourself

Day Two - Nine things about yourself

1. I have not seen my natural hair colour since i was 12
2. I'm not as confident as I pretend I am
3. When i was young, i wanted to be a flight attendant. now, i've been ofered a job as one and I couldnt think of anything worse.
4. I have not lived in the same city as any of my family for the last ten years, nor have i spent more than five days visiting them. The only exception would be a ten day holiday to south africa a few years ago, and even then my brother wasnt there.
5. I have a weakness for alcohol
6. I dont take panadol or antibiotics, i dont think they work. Nor do i take drugs (unless you count alcohol and green), and i never have, never will.
7. I try to put on weight, but it doesnt happen. I have the worst junk food diet you can imagine. If i eat healthy it doesnt work either. When i was younger my mother used to switch my milo with a weight gain supplement. It tasted like shit and i told her so, and it didnt work anyway. It's for this reason i understand some people just cant help being fat, just like i cant help being skinny.
8. I day dream alot, and my imagination is pretty vivid when it comes to things in my life, but give me a pen and a piece of paper and you'll get a stick figure and one of thos dogs you draw as you tell a story that we learnt in grade four, i'm not creative at all.
9. The one thing i want in my life, is to be positive and happy all the time, and have friends around me. I share any wealth that comes my way with my friends, as I dont believe money is for keeps. I find it hard to accept when they return the favour.

The '59 sound

so i'm blogging like theres no tomorrow at the moment, but i guess i just have a lot on my mind.

I spend so many hours thinking, dreaming, drifting, trying to make sense of it all and then tonight i think that maybe thats my problem.

Where has this year gone? how many mistakes have i made? NONE.

I need to check myself, my life is great, and I am actually happy, so whats with all the sad vibes i get here and there.

I realise, that is LIFE. these things are designed to make your stronger, prouder, better at everything you do. I know one day there will be someone that matters to me as much as I want them to. And i know the slips and tangles i come across on the way will shape me to be that person i need to be.

I keep looking forward, and think how fortunate I am. My life has not been scarred by illness, my life has not been waylaid by unfortunate events. Theres no drugs. NO abuse. Nothing i have should make me feel sad. So it's not going to. YOU cant make me sad.

When my Aunty was taken by cancer, we didnt get much notice. WE didnt have time to make things right. We didnt have time to be honest. I have all the time in the world to do that now. So let me do that :) I'm going to keep doing whatever it takes.

xoxoxo

ha. easy decision.

so.

i just wrote about ten things i want to say to people.

i re-read it.

you weren't one of them.

i guess this makes this decision so much easier, but maybe i dont know how to say it....

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1. What happened to 'we can always be together'
2. I never meant to hurt you
3. Dont get caught up in the fantasies.
4. Have more fun with your life.
5. YOu need a new challenge.
6. I miss you so much
7. I hate you for wasting my time, BOTH times.
8. I'm hurt that you didnt come to my birthday, or my housewarming, or anything i Invited you to recently, but then I feel I failed at being a friend for not being there, or visiting you when you were sick. I don't know whats worse.
9. YOu're a strange friend, but i know that at my lowest point, you would always be there for me. I Spent hours by your side after your surgery and every minute thinking about you and hoping you were ok. That makes you my strange friend an amazing special person in my life.
10. Stop Taking your clothes off, stop taking drugs, unless you think its the only thing want in your life, not the only thing you can do. Theres so many more things out there and you are worth so much more. But do it for yourself. I dont want to to tell you how to live but i Just did. I wonder what would have happened if id been in your life longer.

Ten Days of Blogging...

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

</3

I keep telling my heart to let go of you

Sent from my iPhone

where's your (my) head at

so naturally this morbid series of posts will end. perhaps even require some explanation.

nahhh.

But i do wish there was something/someone that would make me forget about him.

Deadweight

Why can't I get rid of this sinking feeling

Sent from my iPhone

The world is..

Flat.

That's how I feel today.

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Broken glass

So it actually hurt to see someone else call you "my *****"

Sent from my iPhone

Sleep in

8 am is a sleep in right?

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Bittersweet

Did you know I wear your hoodie to bed everynight, only wearing my lace underwear underneath.

zZzZz

you're so far away, yet your every word is stopping me from letting my heart go....

unlinking

amazing. linked in toook over my contacts. so crazy. so many people are asking me if they should join because i sent them an email. i definitely dont remember doing that.

four hours until i'm 27. and i'm at home on a saturday night like a nanna.

the weather is horrendous outside

the old fridge we've been trying to get the real estate to remove looks like its going to blow off the balcony, the wind is so strong.

Day 1

It's going well. Theres been a few surprises.

You're not one of them.

CLEAN SLATE

I got an iphone4 today. YAY. Finally.

Annnnnd for the first time in my life - i have a brand new sim card. with no phone numbers on it. no past memories, no dirty secrets, no code names. NOTHING.

Theres no text messages saved to re read over and over again.

I feel free.

I even went back to yoga for the first time in 6 weeks tonight.

And when the sun sets

Adelaide to Perth

Soo

I need to peee so badly and my plane is landing
Sent from my iPhone

The turbulence... It stops so suddenly...

The turbulence... It stops so suddenly...

Why isnt life that easy..
And where are my headphones
And why do i always drop my
Phone down the side of my seat

And do i confront my boss about wht i saw last month?

Sent from my iPhone

23 aug 6:10pm

This book- the pages are so thick. Its the strangest feeling turning them....

Sent from my iPhone

The gift

Whats everybody doing?
Were looking at the view!
This is nothing
Well sometimes you have to turn the other way to see it!

Sent from my iPhone

Brisbane

Yeah still steal my heart

You

Blow my
Mind

Even from
Behind...

somone like you

Nothing good was on T.V.

Called you up got your machine
I thought I saw you in my dream last night

Think I cried myself to sleep
I thought about you had to weep
Seems the world was very mean that's right
And I wanna see, what happened to you and me

Thinkin bout her eyes and hair
I thought I saw you everywhere
baby, you're not playing fair anymore
You're my one and only care
But my heart you have to spare
Now all I do is sit and stare at the floor

And I wanna know

Where would you go when I'm not there
And what would you do about me and you, do you even care

All this time I've been without someone like you
Now that you're here, I've got someone to run to
Someone like you, Someone like you

When you're gone I have to miss
Your soft touch and your kiss
Now my heart is spilling bliss cause of you

And if I had only one wish
To say goodbye and to dismiss
The old me Mr. Pessimist for you

But we're only friends

i've got friends in all the right places....

So i looked at myspace today for the first time in however long. I checked out your profile. the day you last logged in is the last comment i have from you. its so strange. I actually dont know how to live my life without you.

I have tried.
I have tried to move on and accept others into my life.
its just.. theres this void. this void where you should be.
I know i can beat this, but actually, i dont want to. A part of me likes having that warm fuzzy feeling when i think about you. a part o me just wants to forget.

i've made some mistakes but i know i can get through it...

x miss u

Completely digging sleigh bells right now. Just perfect travelling music.

Completely digging sleigh bells right now. Just perfect travelling music.

Im on my way to sydney- twoday work conference - first day in my new
Position - andwell i feel super disorganised. I havent finished everything with the old house yet - i just hope the queen of procrastination doesmt bite me in the ass.
I feel like ive made the right decision not going to splendour evem though its going to break my heart. Ten of the bands i really wanted to see are playing the one day i cant go... Thats such a waste. The extra $450 wont hurt my bank account either. I havent decided yet if ill be spending a weekend in bris without emily... Which will be weird. I just had a strange thought to ask to stay with j... Man thats weird.

On the plAne and the flight attendants mad im using my phone... To be continued.....

Sent from my iPhone

Aloha

Hawaii blogs coming soon

Sent from my iPhone

Fwd:

>
> I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me. I realize how many times you tried, but that's wishful thinking. All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me. Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me. Tell all your friends about me.
> Don't hold this against me. I've already said I'm sorry.

Rill rill

Completely digging sleigh bells right now. Just perfect travelling music.

Im on my way to sydney- twoday work conference - first day in my new
Position - andwell i feel super disorganised. I havent finished everything with the old house yet - i just hope the queen of procrastination doesmt bite me in the ass.
I feel like ive made the right decision not going to splendour evem though its going to break my heart. Ten of the bands i really wanted to see are playing the one day i cant go... Thats such a waste. The extra $450 wont hurt my bank account either. I havent decided yet if ill be spending a weekend in bris without emily... Which will be weird. I just had a strange thought to ask to stay with j... Man thats weird.

On the plAne and the flight attendants mad im using my phone... To be continued.....

Sent from my iPhone

say yes

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
We broke up a month ago and I grew up I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after

It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you pay
And feel like s**t the morning after
But now I feel changed around and instead falling down
I'm standing up the morning after

Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after

i'll never be your love for sure.....

I dont even know where to start.

My life is changing.

No looking back....... lets take this step and be down with it.

Theres a few people that felt the need to remove themselves from my life recently, and then theres a few more that i did that honor for them... whilst its been a little shocking, i'm ok. Why? because i know those people i actually care about, and any of those that i've ever made a genuine impression on, friendship with will be back. I may drop my guard first or they will..... but the real ones will always count. i learnt that a long time ago.

in the meantime the only thing to do is live.live.love. forever <3

split

I could walk a million miles.
Suffer freezing rain and failure.
It's familiar.
This time you have gone too far.
Stole my memories and teardrops.
Now it all stops.

Old truths have taken shape.
They form themselves inside your landscape.
And now I'm a million miles from home.
I don't know.
Still, I can see so clearly.
I don't care.

Suffer sacrifice in vain.
Seems like endless pain inside me.
It's colliding.
Still, you've got no choice at all.
Make a choice before your world stops.
Before your smile drops.

Old truths have taken shape.
They form themselves inside your landscape.
And now I'm a million miles from home.
I don't know.
Still, I can see so clearly.
I don't care.

[breakdown rant by Chris:]
... I'm sorry if I said something that you don't like anymore.
I don't know. I'm sorry if I say I don't know if I'm sorry if
I'm not really sorry but I don't know anything at all.
It's not sure what I know or what I care about or what there is
to care about at all, you know what I'm talking about?
Do you know what I mean? Do you hear what I'm saying?

You've made the same mistake again.
Did you think I'd really buy it?
You shouldn't try it.
There's no one here in your defense.
They know you lie and don't make sense.
Are you getting tense?

Old truths have taken shape.
They form themselves inside your landscape.
And now I'm a million miles from home.
I don't know.
Still, I can see so clearly.
I don't care

With every breath
One last chance
Assume there will be,
a thousand more
I will ignore
Just letting them lead

Cause everytime you and I will fight
It's like an airplane's taking off
and the pilot's me
With no steering wheel

And if I could bring this plane down now
I know for sure I'd cut its wings
to land it safe
It's no option for me

You came to close to me
You came to close to me

Once again, me versus me
With no steering wheel
wishing to find which one should lead
Without hurting them
Cause every flower I have picked
has been the saddest lame excuse
to say love me, love me
But everytime someone would mind
and lend a helping hand to me
I'd shrug it off
Though you're all that I need

You came to close to me
You came to close to me

wrecked

With all those words you bring

Why do you say what you don't mean?

To those people who don't care about one thing that you might need

And you just don't know

Your actions always shine the most

To those people who don't care if you end up alone

You need some time to sew

All those bridges that you burned

'Cause there's nothing left to bring

To someone who just won't learn

Have you made up your mind?

How have you known what you decide

To those people who just think that you are telling lies

You make it so hard for mr

I cant be around you.

By the way.

He knows.

Sent from my iPhone

I want to ask you why... But i cant

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

How do i know what i want? Youre young and i say the wrong things. Im spiraling out of control in the wrong direction

How do i know what i want? Youre young and i say the wrong things. Im
spiraling out of control in the wrong direction

I dont know who can help me

Sent from my iPhone

eeeeEEEEEEEeee

i really dont think there are any words that could describe the weekend i just had. except maybe AMAZING. PERFECT. INCREDIBLE.

Breaking up

Is hard to do. Miss you already <3

Clarity

I'll take your words as if you were talking to me.
Say what I know you'll say and say it through your teeth.


So. Seems there was a bit of a drunken rant last night. so who thought it was a good idea to set up my blogger so i could post directly from notes in my iphone.


With pride keep every failure in.
And with pride hold on to the sinking.


So i guess i need to clarify a few things and explain them to myself as sober maybe. cause drunk maybe sure is emotional. I just grab jacks hand and run with it.


Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
Now in the deep and down, I don't know how but I know I want out.
Wait for something better.


I seem to continually get myself into these little flurrys of upset... i talk myself into things being worse than they are, stupid imaginations running wild. It's not really that bad. my concept of time is just retarded. it feels like weeks and weeks have passed but really its only been days. thats point one.


Will I know when it can be us?
Maybe that doesn't mean us.


POint two. whilst jack likes to make me think i want to go back in time. Really i dont. The lows had started to outweigh the highs. Sober maybe knows this. Being around great people makes me realise this even more. Its definitely time for me to stop living on my own...


Wait for something better?
I shouldn't, it's not enough.


Why do i want to give up my freedom? my freedom is what i love the most about my life. i can be carefree all the time. i rarely have to think about others... does this make me selfish....


Pull one excuse from another.
Just one excuse from another.


Extremely random thought processes right now.. nothigns flowing, nothings making sense. a holiday is going to be exactley what i need. but i think i also need to do anothersolo adventure. to somewhere i've never been. clear the mind...... need to make this happen soon.
I do feel like i've sorted my thoughts out a little. drunken adventures are always great with that.. now just to get myself looking healthy and hot again and not a mess! POSITIVE ENERGY.


This time it means us. stop.

rainy...

I know. Its so rare for a shit dude to get me very down on life Aka tonight. I fucken love my life just forget how lucky i am. I guess when u put your faith in someone and they let you down its ok to
Get bummed .. Specially if it seems they let you down for no reason. But hey. Im alive i shoukd be happy right

Sent from my iPhone

days are...

You accidentally became a feature of my screen... Why do u pop back into my Life i want nothin more than to see you saturday. Theres a guy here that reminds me of you. Treats me he same way. Yess i fell for it again. It was the Perfect Distracraction from Something perfect i started in my life.

Why did i always think i was like the cool kids. You always scorn me. I know im socially awkward but ey i thought i was doing ok. Really. I did.

How did i think things were differebt this time. Howd i think i was doing ok. How can i forget what i feel and why did i feel it in the first place.

Sent from my iPhone

U kill me

Seriously... U do... I
Dont even need two words from u and i melt. Im prepared to let u treat
me like an ass...i know i get nothing in return... I
Just wish u knew how much u meant to me.,, x
Sent from my iPhone

so succcexxxy

success.

what is it? is it making loads of money and been admired by the general public....
or is it

being entirely happy with who you are, and having the respect of those around you...

armour for sleep

I wanna live again
I wanna start everything over again
I wanna get this right
I'll meet you in another life
Over again
I'm coming back around again
Coming back over again
I'm coming back around again,
but now it's over

We're out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me
Out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me

I'm gonna make this work
I'm gonna change everything wrong with me
I'm gonna prove you wrong
when I meet you in another life
Over again
I'm coming back around again
Coming back over again
I'm coming back around again,
but now it's over

We're out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me
Out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me

I never had the gift of holding on to you
You're so far, so far away
No I, never had the gift of holding on to you, now
You're so far, so far away

I wanna live again
I wanna start everything over again
I wanna live again
I wanna start everything over again

We're out of time and I can't breathe
We're out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me

I seriously love the way you look at me!!! Xo

I seriously love the way you look at me!!! Xo

Sent from my iPhone

Fun Times and Play things

I'm feeling a strange sense of accomplishment, coupled with oodles of boredom at the moment.

I've tried to live the 'normal life this week'. A few long days at work, but home every night this week. Most nights I 've cooked dinner for myself. I've watched the slightest amount of TV (for as long as i could tolerate). Theres been no alcohol (save for one really small glass, of a poor house white at lunch on Monday) - stress relief. In bed at 8.30pm, read till about 9.30pm and crash out. Then... up at 06.00am. Is that what a normal life is supposed to be like? Is this how people save money? I'm really bored . This wont last.

Barbie's Dream Home...

Theres a house i pass almost every day on my way home that i think of
as my dream house...

I just doubt ill ever make it to tgat stage of my life. Everytime i
find something good i run away and torture myself instead!

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you make me crazy when you...

amazingly i've been looking at some photos today.. of friends who just got married.. and it was odd.. that could of been me.

There was one particular couple in particular that made me think.

Back when i was a heartbreaker, a certain young man, broke off an engagement, to spend time with me. I didnt encourage this, i certainly didnt discourage this and i certainly wasnt the most prominent reason it happened. but it happened though.

IN typical LB form.. when the going got tough.. and things got close.. i bailed.

It's what i do...

YUP

You kill me..

I miss the way your hand rests on my arm

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craving you....

why can't you want me like all the other boys do
they stare at me
while i stare at you

why can't i keep you safe as my own
one moment i have you , the next you are gone

rehearsed steps on an empty stage
that boys got my heart
in a silver cage

why can't you want me like all the other boys do
they stare at me
while i crave you

i walked into the room
dripping in gold
i walked into the room
dripping in gold
a wave of heads did turn
or so i've been told
my heart broke
when i saw you kept your gaze controlled



its true i crave you

lets just stop and think
before i lose faith
surely i cant fall into a game of chase

around his little finger
that boy has got me curled
i try to reach out
but he's in his own world

this boys got my head tied in knots
with all his games
i simply want him more
because he looks the other way....

go ahead, i'm weaker than you can possibly imagine....

mid week. dwelling....

I think people would be surprised at the amount of things i'm really scared of... how nervous i get about so many thing.. I just dont show it.

Playing netball is one of them. Time to end the career i think.. its not for me....

whats the closest you can come, to a total wreck?

ayiyiyi. I wish i knew how to write that word as well as it sounds.

I had forgotten just how great Jawbreaker + Last Days of April were as bedtime music. total love.

been having long long long thoughts about how the ghosts of my past seem to be popping back into my life all at once. its almost concerning, but flattering at the same time. There are secrets and truths springing up from the ground like winter daisys (do they grow in winter?)

In a way it's added a HUGE weight on one shoulder... the other is still heavy. Gee i must look pretty lopsided.


p.s. detox... going well i drank half of what you are supposed to get through in a day - i'm easing into it. I still had a full meal tonight as there is no way i want to lose weight. Gotta keep that flesh on me!!

detox...

anyone that knows me, would know that i'm quite fond of a drink, and more often than not... if you ask me to have one with you, the answer will be an excited yes!

So interestingly, i will tomorrow be emarking on the 'lemon detox' to 'cleanse my body'

This should be verrrry interesting...

one by one

One By One

I feel the ground moving under my feet, all I know is where I don't belong.
I'm not interested in sticking around just for the sake of a good time.
Houses rotting from the the inside out and everybody's pissed out of their fucking minds.
Are you seriously talking to me about community?

One by one, shoot off my fingers one by one.
Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?
When the rebels lose the spirit of rebellion.

You've got nowhere left to go.
But I know I'm not alone.

We are defined by what we stand against and the weight of unfulfilled expectations. This culture that threatens to engulf you, is this anyway to go about fighting it?
I don't want to be born again, I don't need anybody to speak for me.
I'm not interested in humoring illusions or apologizing for the sake of sentiment.

One by one, shoot off my fingers one by one.
Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?
When the rebels lose the spirit of rebellion.

You've got nowhere left to go.
But I know I'm not alone.

26 04 4.02pm

The book I'm reading at the moment, has two children/brothers in it called jack and Daniel. Someone <3s there tenesee whisky!


Sent from my iPod

26 04 4.33pm

Oh god... I can't concentrate... I still hve 45 minutes of thus flight left. Can I be bothered enough to finish part 2? Maybe not....
Hang on.. I've lost part one :(

Ah wait, its ok, I haven't.

So, an eventful weekend away has reminded me- I'm not a grown up yet and I don't want to be. My mother and I had a strange conversation about having babies in ur late twenties today. So odd. My father didnt want to get married I don't think. Maybe I get that gene from him. I certainly get my binge drinking skills from him.

What my mother said makes sense though. My brother and I don't have that same connection with our parents as friends of ours that have parents three or four years younger. Although I've never worked out it that was age or simply because my family is a litre bit (alot) odd.

Back to the current drama.. Perhaps why scares me the most is I haveseveral times daydreamed of a future with subject of this argument. The party girl wants a future?

We've now moved to the second part ofthe argument. We are no longer friends. Facebook accounts and phone numbers deleted. U know its offical when facebook comes into it.

(slight off topic deviation... U to replace you... Is this blatant misuse of the English language or simplification of an overly complex language by a fast moving generation? Let's debate it later...)

I'm considering calling a truce tonight. Half of my makes me feel weak. Half of me thinks I might just be chasing true live after all.

Fwd: 26 04 4.12pm

How strange. When someone u know has cancer it no longer becomes a word you see on posters, a word you know nothing about. It becomes so real. It seems like no one else knows the reality this is so far from the truth, but how do u find someone u can relate too.

Theres a project about to happen in Canada that makes me want to change the world. A drop in centre. Information, people, the real experience of dealing with cancer and the support of others to get you through it.

http://www.skateforcancer.com/
Facebook page :

Support awareness.


Sent from my iPod

Fwd: Its going to be one of those nights... Were tired is the new black

Its going to be one of those nights... Were tired is the new black


Sent from my iPod

Saturday 24 April

I'm here to laugh love fuck and drink liqour
Andhelp the damn revolution come quicker....


Got a problem?


The coup has it COVERED


Sent from my iPod

argument..,

Sent from my iPhone

> So begins the continual argument..,
>
> Can guys and girls be 'just' friends?
>
> How do you deal with the inevitable attraction that seems to happen
> at least for one or the other some point in the relationship.
>
> I'm in an interesting situation right now. This guy and I were
> seeing each other a year ago. I had feelings for him and I was
> pretty much sex and some good company to him nothing more. The more
> emotionally tied up I got, the harder it was to be around him. We
> had an amazing friendship, it was natural progression almost that we
> would end up together. I saw future, he saw many other fish in the
> sea.
>
> Now I'm the strong resilient type , it was time for me to get over
> him. So I did. I planned an amazing holiday. I escaped. Over him I
> was or so I thought. Hurrah!
>
> Not long after I got back... Well pretty soon after that our
> friendship seemed to be ok. But distance makes the heart grow
> fonder, and we slipped - taking an evening out that one step too far
> the night before his turn to escape.
>
> Naturally I woke up confused.., what did I need this for? I'm an
> independent modern woman. He turned me down for so long and I'm
> supposed to jump
> Now that he's changed his mind.
>
> I spent the weekend with a very different group I friends and it was
> atually the building block for a very valuable friendship. It made
> me reaffirm to myself I was better than that, I didn't need it..
> Yay.. Go me. You could almost say my outlook changed that week. A
> week later when he returned he received a very different reception
> to what he was expecting.
>
> The result- a very abusive fizzle of a friendship.
>
> Fast foward.. To now. Were back in the friend zone. The rules are
> clear. We are friends and we roll in thesame group of friends. Its
> great....... But.... Yes there is a but....
>
> Apparently I'm not allowed to be friends with this group of friends
> unless he is present. WHAT. Yes I know - ludicrus - but its
> happeing. Jealousy? Who knows?
>
> I can think of so many mature ways to deal with this, however I've
> opted
> For the dramatic , ultimatum way. My way or the highway...
>
> I should have known this would all be ending in tears again....
>
> ( to be continued )
>
>
> Sent from my iPod

I just cleaned out...

My iphone notes... Many out of date blogs below that never made it to
email...

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491 days ago

Keep thinkingsboutthe things we talked about
Do u want to get to knowme ?

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531 days ago this was on my mind

It's apt that I'm listening to bloc party and reading George Orwell
again? Is apt the right word? Anyway because I'm flying back to
Adelaide again ( which I'm sure I need to count on two hands now the
amount of times I've been back since the big move) and thinking about
the great weekend I have once again had. But did I have a good weekend?
I spent all weekend wondering why I was missing calls ( iPhone was on
silent - didn't realize - nojoke)
I spent my planned party night with peole I barely know who are
6+years younger than me ( for the record I had a blast and I love
laughing and arguing over non changeable/mouldable life shit)
This also there fire caused me to spend much less money than planned
on booze and allow me a few guilty pleasures.

The period from about 2am to 8am sun morning feeling completely in
secure about myself for no reason except paranoia
I spent a lot of time listening to peeps joke about my 'apparent'
relationship and actually felt ok with everything they said , losing
that cut feeling I always used to get.
I still haven't learnt to read the one person who means the most to me
right now

Yes blogs are lame! Who cares your the one reading it because you want
to know what I'm thinking.
The reality is I don't care anymore, about anything. Break my heart
baby and watch me fal

Sent from my iPhone

So...501 days ago

So...
Another journey .. Another chance to test myself.. This time I laid
down the law but find myself willing to run if I'm Asked too. And that
surprises me. The stark realisation of how my summer is going to pan
out has definitely hit.

I'm kinds proud but kind of diapointes in myself.

Let's see the outcome of the weekened!!

Sent from my iPhone

Until they become conscious, they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious

Until they become conscious, they will never rebel, and until after
they have rebelled they cannot become conscious

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