The stuff and things

You know, I'm
On a flight to Darwin and I'm just rereading your messages and I feel so horribly guilty. I don't know how exactly to describe how I feel right now but numb and empty comes to mind. There's no feelings at all in there, about anything. I didn't even get that excited feeling I usually get when I was in Brisbane last week and saw all my friends. My favorite songs can't pick me up and my favorite books don't hold my attention. Chocolate doesnt help an neither does alcohol. I just want to disappear and sleep for a week. My work is so stressful at the moment I think it's messed with my emotions. It's the bad timing thing again but maybe that's a sign. I don't want it to be because that means those good feelings I uses to get around you will never ever come back. And I don't want to give in just to keep you as a friend when you want something more. I feel let down and I'm sure you do too. I've never understood angry You and that's the person that pushes me away further in these situations and stops me for forgiving and forgetting when i need to. I'm a messed up girl and not worthy ofAnyones time. I don't do the gushy love stuff and I'm too self involved to let anyone in unless
I'm feeling extremely vulnerable. You wanted to know whats on my mind well there it is.. Right there.. It doesn't make sense an it's not in sequential order but that's just how i work.. Maybe I'll press send when I land in Darwin, maybe I won't

Life

Sometimes it takes someone to walk out of your life for someone better to walk in...

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Clarity v2

I was thinking about my brother again before and clarity came on. Gosh this song moves me, it makes me want to change the world. It makes me want to be sober maybe.

I wonder sometimes if my brother thinks about wanting to be someone else. Actually, I'm pretty sure he does. All the crap he's had to go through an still goes through, really should
Make
My troubles seems so insignificant. I'm meant to be the good child, the lucky one, the one who pulled herself away from the drama. The survivor.

But sometimes I wish for his life. Call me crazy but it is surely not that bad. He is happy and he doesn't know what he wants. But do any of us? He doesnt stay in places that make him unhappy.
I wouldn't have the courage ( though some call it stupidity ) to make my
Mind up that quickly about something, even though eventually my gut feeling comes true.

Sometimes I want to change myself. I want a nose job and fake boobs. Maybe then I'd feel like the confident girl I want to be. But then would I feel like me? Would people be liking me because I had a fake beauty?

Its 4 sleeps till I see you and I know your not excited. I know you want to see me, only because I promised lingerie and a raunchy night in bed. But I want to mean more than that to you. I stared at my body in the mirror after my shower today and wondered what you think about me. I feel like I'm not good enough. I wish we could talk more.

I'd ask you about work, and what you did today. Are you working on anything new? Did you hear about that thing in the news? Did u watch that web vid? So amazing, style for miles. Have you heard from the boys? How's your mum? How's your bro? Done any more work on the truck? Is the chopper still kicking? Should we watch a movie? Can you believe what that guy at work said to me today? Does the weekend have to end? Can we just run away together? Do you dream about me in your sleep, like I do every night?

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4 sleeps

I have to
Let go
Of
This
Feeling

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You.

Sometimes, someone had to walk out of your life, for someone better to walk in..

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carry you

When I know I'm all alone
I say your name slowly
and I know that I'm alone
But I carry You

Does it feel good like a memory
When you try some mystery
its a dream to call you own (its a dream to come around)
the world doesn't bend
because the taste doesn't taste the same again
It's easy feeling righteous when you're lone ( when we're alone)
All you'll get is what you want to hear
It hurts because it should
How else am I to make it clear

I could never be the one that you want
Don't ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed

Maybe a lie is what I need sometimes
You told the most, the best of anyone
You said to keep me in your pocket
So I carry you
You better choose your words carefully
Because I'm not your anything
Gonna stay here in my place, and you'll stay in yours
Because you're only good is what you're good for

I pace around the room to waste the time( I pace around the room the spin the time)
Waiting while the burning pictures fade
One thing to make (up) your mind
And I'm not going to say its name

I could never be the one that you want
Don't Ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed, it passed

I'm still carrying a little hope
that maybe things could be different now
Is that so wrong, is that so wrong, is that so wrong

Would I see you tonight at a place we go?
I wanna make things right, before time runs out.
Roll down the windows, let the cold air come in
Slap my face, just to feel you somehow again, yeah yeah yeah yeah

I could never be the one that you want
Don't Ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed

I could never be the one that you want
Dont Ask
Well heres to living in the moment
Because it passed, it passed,
Because it passed, it passed, it passed

Hope

I'd take you back if you were at the airport when I got home...

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Ring ring

You just called... I'm not where I want to be. In more ways than the literal
Meaning
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Mind traveller

God my imagination runs wild sometimes!! I wish I could control my thoughts. Actually scratch that. No idont because then life would be boring. My mind is like a movie reel playing over and over - so many memories, a lot of wishful thinking - day dreams of the perfect life.. But is there such a thing as the perfect life. I think not so much, I think in a strange way, everyones life is perfect. You can't expect everyone to ever agree on what's right.

I'm coming off the back of an amazing weekend and I don't wanna slow down!!!

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Hi

Hey Emily ann Bailey.. Remember that time we were drinking in the park and you chased me and pushed me over, everyone laughed and I ended up with that massive bruise? And then you just left the country..Well I'm quite upset that you spilt my drink and I think you should replace it. Miss you jerk. <3

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Day Ten: One confession.

I struggle to let myself get attached to anyone. They just leAve

Day nine: two emoticons that describe you right now

:)

8)

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Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. skinny jeans
2. broad shoulders
3. common sense

Day seven. Four turnoffs

1. Bad teeth
2. Body odour
3. Bad kisser
4. TRACKPANTS. Buy some jeans dammit

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Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1. Emily
2. Robbo
3. Mum
4. Jerry
5. Stujohn

Day five: 6 things you wish you'd never done...

1..
2...
3....
4.....
5....
6.....

Yup I'm glad I've done everything I've done

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Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. I think a lot about finding something to hold my attention
2. That i'm not pretty enough?
3. That i dont know what to say in certain situations,or around some people so its easier to be silent, and i wish i knew how to overcome that?
4. What sort of job would I have had if i finished uni?
5. Where would my life be if i stayed in Cairns?
6. Can i keep this up forever?
7. I'm hungry.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Peanut Butter Chocolate Icecream from Baskin Robbins
2. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
3. Hot Vintage American Cars (eg. 57 Chevy Belair)
4. Skinny Jeans
5. BMX
6. A chilled bottle of Alicante on a hot summers day
7. White sand beach, crystal clear warm water
8. Be yourself

Day Two - Nine things about yourself

1. I have not seen my natural hair colour since i was 12
2. I'm not as confident as I pretend I am
3. When i was young, i wanted to be a flight attendant. now, i've been ofered a job as one and I couldnt think of anything worse.
4. I have not lived in the same city as any of my family for the last ten years, nor have i spent more than five days visiting them. The only exception would be a ten day holiday to south africa a few years ago, and even then my brother wasnt there.
5. I have a weakness for alcohol
6. I dont take panadol or antibiotics, i dont think they work. Nor do i take drugs (unless you count alcohol and green), and i never have, never will.
7. I try to put on weight, but it doesnt happen. I have the worst junk food diet you can imagine. If i eat healthy it doesnt work either. When i was younger my mother used to switch my milo with a weight gain supplement. It tasted like shit and i told her so, and it didnt work anyway. It's for this reason i understand some people just cant help being fat, just like i cant help being skinny.
8. I day dream alot, and my imagination is pretty vivid when it comes to things in my life, but give me a pen and a piece of paper and you'll get a stick figure and one of thos dogs you draw as you tell a story that we learnt in grade four, i'm not creative at all.
9. The one thing i want in my life, is to be positive and happy all the time, and have friends around me. I share any wealth that comes my way with my friends, as I dont believe money is for keeps. I find it hard to accept when they return the favour.